Budapest Diaries: Waking up at 4pm (oops) and an evening on the Danube

Wednesday, 5 June 2019

If you thought Saturday was a belated start then I bet you can't wait to know when we woke up on Sunday...
Our day began at 4pm (and I... oooop!)
We basically spent the Saturday night having the time of our lives and our body needed sleep, we had no proper plans for Sunday so really it didn't matter.

As Ell is a big Man City fan, we found an Irish bar and watched the football which is becoming a bit of a tradition on our holidays. Our first drink of the day was an alcoholic one and if that doesn't sum up Budapest I don't know what does, when theres such cheap beer it would be rude to say no!

After watching the football and City winning, Ell was one happy gal and I was one hungry gal so we went off to find some food. I'm not really sure what the area was called but it was where all the main shops were  and we wandered round there for a bit. Our culinary tastes really aren't that exotic so we found yet another lovely Italian restaurant and got some food. Ell ordered margarita pizza for the third time in a row, it's basically tradition now, and I decided on some Calamari which came out looking more alive than I've ever seen before!
The food was nice, the vibe was nice and it was coming up to 8pm and we decided we needed to do something with our last night. 

Being the spontaneous queens we are, we walked down to the river, found a boat trip and hopped on the next departure. It was the equivalent of £8 for a one hour boat trip down the Danube which I thought was so good compared to what you'd pay in London for something like that! The boat was basic and we were freezing cold but we got to see all the landmarks lit up in the dark and it was extremely beautiful. We saw Parliament, Buda Castle, Chain Bridge and all the stunning architecture along the Danube which seemed to come to life in a different way at night.
I had a bit of a moment on the boat which I'll always remember, I went off to the toilet to queue up and it was at the back of the boat where nobody was about. I stood there looking out at either side of the river which was lit up shining so bright and thought... 
'as if this is what I can do now'
All the fun I'd had in the past three days, all the things I'd done and not at one point had I felt too ill or too tired or had even had a single worry cross my mind! 
Yes, I know last year I went on a lot of trips but nobody actually knows what I dealt with on those trips. Trying to translate 'Can I use your toilet?' into so many languages, taking packets and packets of Imodium everyday and the main thing, being terrified to come home because I never knew what was in store for me next. 
This was my first trip in my new life and I was loving every second of it.

Lucy Jane

Feeling loved but how do we fall in love?

Sunday, 2 June 2019

Dress: Charity Shop // Bag: Primark // Earrings: Primark // Shoes: Steve Madden // Sunglasses: Monki

After my week in Cyprus, I did a lot of thinking about a lot of things. I want to take things back with my blog, write about whats been on my mind, share my inner thoughts rather than being impersonal. 
So I'm going to do just that...

Feeling loved but how do we fall in love?
I suppose it's something personal that I don't really share on social media which is kind of strange as I can share the fact I poo into a bag but when it comes to speaking about love and all things related, I feel so vulnerable and can't open up. I've never been that close to someone that I felt I was falling in love so I guess I don't know how to. 

Love is such a personal thing and I think there is a huge difference from being widely loved by a lot of people, to being loved by an individual. I know I'm loved by a lot of people and that's not me being self-obsessed, I simply know that my friends and family are the most loving, incredible people ever and I feel their love constantly. But when it comes to being whole-heartedly loved by an individual, I have no idea how that feels and recently it's started to play on my mind...

So I have an Ileostomy bag which I'm sure many of you know, I poo in a bag and my body looks different to everyone else's. It's changed my life but it's obviously a huge thing to adapt to.
I'm confident with it, I own it most of the time but I still get hints of negativity sneaking in and if I'm honest, it's mainly around other people accepting me for me.
I worry that when I do truly open up, someone will reject it and reject me. 
Yes, everyone hates rejection but I'm scared that rejection from others might spark rejection from myself and that's terrifying to me. I love my bag, I love my body and I love the way my life has been since surgery and I never want anyone to make me think any differently. I have the whole 'fake it till you make it' mantra when it comes to body confidence and honestly, it works so much for me but I suppose I'm putting up this guard by doing that. 
I do have down days, I do feel self conscious and I'm scared that falling in love could hurt me like an absolute bitch.

I don't know if this makes any sense or if anyone cares but I was watching a video on disabilities and relationships and one lady spoke about something someone had said to her...
'If you're in a toy shop and theres a shiny new toy next to an old broken toy, why would you chose the broken one over the shiny one?'
Sounds silly but hearing that really hurt me and started me thinking in a way I don't want to allow myself to.

It's weird to write about this but I hope someone understands. 
Right now I am happy as can be, I've never had a relationship so all I've known is being an independent boss bitch and that's exactly what I'm channeling! 
These thoughts are some of my most vulnerable and the only time when negativity seems to push it's way into my mind. 
I'm not sad about it just anxious but I suppose life always works itself out in the strangest ways and for now I'll continue to feel loved by the world and figuring out falling in love will come with time...

Lucy Jane 

(P.S. Enjoy the pics of me living out my Mamma Mia dreams in Cyprus, when I do fall in love a Greek wedding is definitely on the cards)


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